..and how t-shirts could have saved me…
In the year 2020 you might think the threat of goblin attack is a thing of the past (or simply a fantastical concept from the pages of fantasy novels). Think again.
Attacks from a new breed of “Urban Goblin” are on the rise and experts are at a loss as to what to do about it. The heritage breed of Goblin or “temperate forest goblin”, with which you are likely familiar, was thought to have been driven to extinction thousands of years ago after the goblin wars. These are not to be confused with the more aggressive and feral urban goblin (or “crested rock goblin”) which can be found in increasing numbers in and around human settlements.
Total Dog Shirt interviewed Martin, a 27 year old web designer from Yorkshire to find out about his recent experience involving the urban goblin epidemic.
"They just came out of nowhere. I was on my way back to the car, from the plain and uninspiring t-shirt shop with my mundane and uninteresting garments. Suddenly, around six goblins jumped me from behind and before I knew it, they'd spray painted a profanity on my car, which I'd only just had re-painted on Tuesday. Also one of them ate my face.
Now I'm down four hundred quid for the car to be resprayed, and to make matters worse, my face is completely missing.
At first, it wasn't too bad, but I soon realised that with my lips missing, I really struggle to enjoy a cup of tea in the morning . If I try to sip it out of a tea cup, it just dribbles through my now exposed teeth and onto my jumper. I'm instead forced to guzzle it out of a steel trough like a goddamn animal!
It's degrading and the hot tea burns my eyeballs."
Martin's case is just one of an ever-increasing number of unprovoked goblin attacks in recent months.
The bureau for Goblin Management and Relations declined to comment on the attacks, or to offer any speculation as to the cause of this spate of incidents. This has left citizens demanding a solution to the epidemic or at least some way to protect themselves against the Goblin threat.
There is hope however, as Historians from the research & development department at Total Dog Shirt may have unearthed crucial findings in the search for an answer to the problem of goblins in our towns and cities.
A fragment of an ancient tapestry uncovered by Dr. Richard Dangleson, head researcher at TDS, suggests that the seemingly fearless creatures may in fact have a weakness.
“Yes, it appears that, during the great goblin wars, it wasn’t fire or steel that ended up defeating the goblin hoards, but short-sleeved garments which warriors adorned with humorous or entertaining imagery. How they discovered that this was an effective deterrent against the goblins remains a mystery for now, but I believe this discovery will prove key in our efforts to defend the public against goblins in the 21st century.”
So there you have it: graphic t-shirts may be the answer to the question of how to defend yourself from goblin attack.
Total Dog Shirt can’t guarantee that our shirts will provide total safety from goblins. However we will say this:
If you buy a total dog shirt, we 100% guarantee that goblins will not eat your face, or the faces of your loved ones. We are so confident that our products deter goblins that we offer a money back guarantee if your face is indeed eaten by goblins whilst wearing one of our products. We are proud to assert that no one who has purchased a t-shirt from us has EVER had their face eaten by or indeed, even encountered a live urban goblin. They’re simply that effective.
Don’t waste a single second more waiting for yourself, family or friends to be savaged by goblins. Order now with the discount code: FGOBLINS for free shipping.
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